Meet the New Guy

Allow me to introduce myself to you the veritable masses of loyal followers who have been patiently waiting for an update, constantly checking, thinking today will be the day, the guys will have something new to say, will have repayed my faith with a new post. Not exactly but hopefully the addition of an extra set of hands will see a change in the frequency of updates.

Me I’m Mac, I’ve known Exciter for 18 years give or take since meeting him in highschool. Philth on the other hand was one of lifes chance encounters through Exciter and as it turns out we got along well, but enough history let’s get on with this the introduction. Like most males I like boobs, cars, sport and beer pretty much in that order and if you can combine two or three of those things i’m in heaven. So for now only a quick intro and another day perhaps an insight into my small section of the globe and some opinions and ramblings on the big issues affecting people of the world today. i.e Boobs, cars, sport and beer.

To all my Ladies…

Happy Valentines Day!

That is to say, it is in the land of Aus… But not so in the land of wherever the fuck my server is.

I know what you expect from me, but I’m not going to have a cry about how this “holiday” is money grubbing commercialism at its worst.

I’m not going to have a bitter rant about why it shouldn’t be celebrated or why we shouldn’t need a day set aside to tell our loved ones that we love them.

Fuck all of that. On this occasion, I’ll let you decide for yourselves what to make of this day.

What I will do is share some wisdom with you. And by now you know that Exciter wisdom is the best wisdom…

Got a girl? Gonna get her one of these? Hint: Don’t get one that looks like that. It’s cheesy. Cheesy + diamonds = disaster. Try to be Classy. Like me.

Got an Ex you still pine for? All is not lost. Maybe today is the day to win her back. Try asking this question. Of course if asking for sex is too forward, you could just send her a card. Again, probably best to go with something classy.

Don’t have a girl? Don’t want your Ex back? Get down to your local and start looking. Tonight is your night. There’ll be no shortage of single ladies out looking for a last minute Valentine date. This is your best chance to get your wang out for an actual woman… for free! So man up, grow a pair and make it happen!

Hell, if this guy can do it, you sure as hell can! All it takes is a little effort and you’ll find your self happier than… well, this bloke.

Don’t think there’s one out there for you? Guess again. There are Pirate girls, Ninja girls, Asian girls, Fitness girls, Busty girls, Big Girls, Costume girls Witches and Bitches.

There are all sorts of girls with all sorts of talents.

Of course if you don’t find her tonight, or if you prefer your own company there are alternatives.

Remember, if you can get it, hit it!

- Exc

Bitches ain’t nothin’ but tricks and hoes – Jeff Barnes (of Chuck)

Stupid Animals

Since our illustrious leader is failing to provide any form of contribution I have taken it upon myself to aid his highness by writing more crap. So here it is…..

Today, I went for a run. Now a run is a fabulous thing, it truly invigorates you if you are so inclined to enjoy running (duh!). Anyway, I happen to be one of these lovers of running and although it was about 10 degrees and windy and dark, my friend, who shall be known from now on as Super Ath (-lete), and I set off. We got off to a flying start and went further down the road than we planned. Now, the reason we were going so well was because the wind was behind us on the way out which, of course means, that it was against us on the way back. This we failed to notice on the way out…. curses.

So we turned around and began the slow grind back to home with traffic on the channel highway trying to run us over. It was long and hard and tiring, particularly after running a hash set by the illustrious Big G the night before (A run that was over 10kms). At this point we get to the reason why I titled this story stupid animals. Suddenly, I had a bout of diarrhea and had to go to the toilet, be right back….

Wow, I hate that, hasn’t happened to me in ages, must have been those eggs this morning. Anyway… Suddenly, this black spot appeared in front of us scuttling around on the pavement. It was a very small hairy black ball that had a long red wet tendril poking out the end that faced us.  It approached silently but rapidly and we passed it without incident, however it quickly turned its tendril back to us and began following with gusto.

Now, initially, this did not disturb Super Ath and I as we continued down the road in our rhythm, we figured it would be like most living forms of human entertainment and companionship, it would have the sense to turn around once it had reached the limit of its knowledge of the area. This however proved not to be the case, this animal appeared to have an extreme case of canine stupidity. It scuttled along the road for several kilometers attempting to get run over by passing cars, trip both Super Ath and I over as it ran randomly all over the place; and it annoyed passing humans that happened to posses their own form of human entertainment and companionship by performing sniffing rituals with them (the other entertainment that is).

Super Ath and I both stopped at several points to point out to this strange being that we didn’t want it around. In fact our frustration with the animal became quite aggressive at points but it made no difference. As we yelled and screamed at this thing, it just snuggled up at our feet. I think it needed a therapist. We gave up. We kept on our way home, trying our best not to injure ourselves. This thing managed to run with us for over 4km’s on legs the size of baby corn. We gave it points for persistence.

Once we got home, this animal scuttled up the stairs and in to our house. How uncivilised and rude. We had discussed what on earth we were going to do with it once we got home and decided that the humans who owned it could not possibly be as stupid as the animal and that it would have a collar that identified its home and contact details for its carers. So we checked. Guess what; that’s right, its owners were just as retarded as the ball of fluff. Now what.

Well I have to say, we weren’t performing at the peak of our intelligence either, so we figured we could just leave it outside and wait for it to go home of its own accord. So Super Ath and I left it on the porch, went inside and shut the door. It became apparent that it wasn’t planning on going anywhere as the animal hunkered down and started whimpering. We tried to explain how to get home but it didn’t seem to understand. So we rang the council (Yay our brains woke up). The man from the animal shelter in Huonville drove all the way up to Taroona to pick this silly thing up. End of drama, dinner was had and all was quiet once again. Poor Mr. Dog man had a big drive for no good reason, I wouldn’t worry about the ball of fluff though, as I believe it would be regarded by dependent humans as cute and would be adopted quite quickly.

So, if you own a frikkin dog, surely you want to keep it. If it is a retarded dog, put an id tag on it so that anti-dog people like me can give it back to you once it follows us home. In fact, put a tag on it anyway just in case. Although why on earth you would want a dog in the suburbs is beyond me.

Well, that was our escapades for this week. Be back soon to tell you more about the dramas of me and Super Ath.

-p

Staying alive

Hello out there Cybersurfers.

I must apologise on behalf of both Ex and myself as we have not written anything since our Questionnaire.  It has been a while and we have not managed to catch up with each other in person since.  Beer consumption has gone down drastically and working hours have gone up. I have been stuck making confectionery in the wee hours of the morning whilst Ex has been sitting in a fridge.

Our thanks goes out to those of you who participated in the Questionnaire. I believe all of you who did were most probably quite honest since the results were not too shocking. I firmly believed that,  due to your sexual urges overwhelming your sense of embarrassment or shame, you all would have performed more of the unusual acts listed. This, however, does not appear to be the case. Either that, or I am dirtier than I originally gave myself credit for.

So, the survey said!! “Our readers masturbate quite a bit, in fact, probably more often than they get to have sex”. I have to say that this is extremely settling for me as my drought continues and its always nice to know that others are in the same boat with you.

On to other matters….. The topic of the post today, despite my ramblings earlier, is “Staying alive”. An interesting topic given that Man could probably be described as being at the top of the food chain on mother earth, so staying alive should not be all that hard. At the moment, I think it would be safe to say that if you live in part of the developed world, staying alive isn’t all that hard for most of us. But I think things are changing and we are doing our best to ignore it, or perhaps we don’t care because the changes won’t affect us as individuals at the moment. These changes will have more of an affect on the human race’s survival in the future.

I can hear you asking, “What the hell is this moron talking about?”. I am talking about the degradation of our world and its ability to sustain us. Yes yes yes, its another rant about the environment but with a difference. Unfortunately, we need Earth to stay in a fairly similar state to its present condition in order for us to continue to live easily. It can’t change too much or parts of the ecosystem start to die. This, in turn, reduces the area we can inhabit and the number of people the earth can support.

Aside from the change brought about by extinction of certain plants and animals, the major change that we are observing in our planet is global warming. This is raising sea levels and ambient temperatures. Is this a man made problem? Well, I am not sure. However, I do know that if you sit in your garage with the car running and all the doors shut, it will heat up and you will eventually asphyxiate from lack of oxygen. Its not good for you, and neither is pollution. No one enjoys swimming in heavy metals and yes it does kill you. Our planet is not a garage or one polluted river, and these are drastic simplifications of the worlds predicament, but they do allow you to form a gut instinct that what we are doing to the planet is killing us.

Even though I know there are skeptics out there and I can’t be 100% sure that global warming is a man made problem, I know my gut tells me it is. It is common sense!! I have a hunch that this is a feeling shared by the majority of other people too. So if that is the case, why aren’t we doing something about it and why are there so many skeptics?

Well…. I don’t think we really care. All the signs point towards this. In Australia, our politicians are unwilling to contemplate reducing our carbon footprint because of the possible economic side effects. Loss of jobs being the highest one on their list. They dismiss the issue because, they say, Australia’s impact is small and it is China or the USA that needs to do something. What a crock, that is the logic of a selfish, short sighted individual.

Our worlds leaders, for the most part, have been procrastinating about this issue for several years now. Talking about it, but never actually doing anything about it. As a society, generally speaking, we condone their behaviour. It makes us feel better that they discuss the issue, but we don’t really seem too bothered that they do nothing about it.

Our basic instincts drive us to the propagation of the human race. This means, survive and procreate. So why don’t we seem to care that our kids are going to be living in a world that is dying? This goes against our instincts. Maybe we do care but I believe our culture has become so selfish that we choose to ignore our instincts and keep doing what we are doing because to change would probably be too uncomfortable.

If I walked down the street and asked the next person I saw,

“Do you want to stop global warming and ensure that our planet will continue to be able to sustain life?”

They would most probably answer “yes”. However if I then asked:

“In order to do this, would you be willing to stop driving a car, put up with less lighting in the streets, live closer to work, eat only food that was available locally and most importantly adjust to MAJOR changes in the way you live?”

They would probably say “no”.

It doesn’t paint a very good picture of our race does it. We appear to be so wrapped up in our capitalistic beliefs that we could not possibly sacrifice the comfort of a growing economy to ensure our survival as a race in to the future. If we implemented the strategies that would effectively tackle the pollution and global warming of our world, I don’t believe that people would be out of jobs or begin to starve. But even if it did, wouldn’t it be worth the sacrifice?

What do you think? If a radical stepped up and ran for prime minister of Australia, or the country that you lived in, with some serious resolutions on reducing carbon footprints, would you vote them in? Don’t forget, it may mean some serious changes to the way you live your life. (No TV, no car, reduction in power consumption and an increased cost of living)

I have been wondering a great deal whether people would actually support a leader that put the world as his number one priority. It has also been my conclusion lately that we really would not. I am becoming more and more of the belief that people honestly don’t care about the future as long as they are dead before it gets here.

Let us know what you think. Write a comment, or write to Exciter@exciters-exodus.com with your attitude problem.

Well that’s some serious shit off my liver.

-Philth

Exciter’s Philthy Questionnaire

We warned you this was going to happen, and if you’re reading this now we take pity on you. For what you are about to receive may the Lord make you truly regretful.

After a night at the chocolate factory, a short sleep and a swift drive to Launceston in “Maggie” the super car, Philth arrived at Exciter’s house to be welcomed by friends sharing alcohol and hurling abuse.

The fire was crankin’, the beer was flowing and the food was…. food. Soon the conversation had moved to the most entertaining place of all…. the gutter. We were talking about dicks and vag and all the deviant things we have experienced in our short and wasted lives.

We surprised each other at some of the weird arse shit we’ve done in our time, but after some significant philosophising, we decided that some of you would have certainly outdone us.

That led us to thinking, how can we find out how sick some of our readers are? Low and behold true inspiration was found at the bottom of some Ironhouse lager where Exciter’s Philthy Questionnaire was conceived.

Participation is mandatory!

Our conversation turned to self pleasure and how often it needed to be done. For some of us it was more frequently than others, but we were more interested in the extremes. So tell us;

On average, how many times a week do you masturbate?

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What is the most number of times you have masturbated within the period of one hour?

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So that’s two polls, but you didn’t think it was going to be that easy, did you? Our conversation went from gutter to drain, then deep into the sewer, each of us in turn outdoing the other with the depravity of our masturbation experiences…

Have you ever masturbated:

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For the finale we moved on to the serious stuff. Covering such gems as:
Phone sex, The High Five (or 10), car sex, pleasure dolls, orgies and when does fat become too fat?

And some more uncommon acts like:
“The Stranger” – sitting on your hand until numb, then rubbing one out.
“Circle Jerk” – A gathering of males sitting in a circle, wanking the guy immediately beside.

Have you ever:

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Have you ever had sex:

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That’s it from us. We hope you found it worth the wait. We had a great time putting the post together. Despite its appearance, it took a lot of time and a lot of work, so I hope you appreciate our efforts. Have fun with it, and don’t be shy. No one knows who you are, so be honest or don’t participate.

We’d like to thank our major sponsor, Beer – you give us reason to live.

Please feel free to email exciter@exciters-exodus.com or post a comment if we have failed to cover the depraved crap you have performed or if you have something Philthy to add.

- Philth and Exciter

Going Without

I wasn’t away. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t starting a new relationship (that’s code for getting lots and lots of sex, for you slow folk). So, why have I been away so long?

Not because I knew I wouldn’t be missed, which I’m sure is the case, anyway. But because I’ve been very busy with work and had little time for anything else.

I have tried to keep this blog interesting. I have intentionally steered away from including my day to day activities because, honestly, who gives a fuck? And there are only so many stories I can tell you about different white utes causing me grief on the road. But don’t let that fool you into thinking that I couldn’t post a different white ute story almost every other day…

What I’m saying is, there is pretty much nothing interesting going on in my life at the moment. So to those of you whinging for an update, you should be grateful that I only want to share interesting, fun and amusing stories with you rather that waste your time with trivialities.

*** *** ***

The other day I was hanging out with some friends and the conversation quickly turned to sex… probably from a starting point somewhere in the area of porn… It probably started with a joke about not getting any sex then degenerated into muscular forearm jokes.

One of my mates said “I don’t need to download porn to get myself off.”
I said “You’re not up with the whole internet thing and probably still buy wank mags. You’re the creative type so you probably cut their pictures out and tape them to the thumb of your dominant hand…You probably cut their mouth open so you can pretend you’re getting a blow job.”

They all looked at me with raised eyebrows and accusing stares. I say “Don’t pretend like you all haven’t done it…”

Since then Philth came over for the weekend. We are talking about collaborating on a post. Stay tuned for that in coming days.

You can probably guess what the Philth/Exciter collaboration will be all about…

Until then.

– Exc

Procrastinating

So, before I go any further I just wanted to apologise to poor old Exciter for my lack of participation on this blog. I have been a bit lazy/preoccupied to find time to alleviate my verbal diarrhea, but it has been building up so now I must let loose.

What have I been doing? Ahh well might you ask…. I have been spending a fair amount of time recovering from a bad start to the year, but other than that I have been doing a touch of work and going to weddings.  Oh I have also been participating in exciting bets with Exciter. And now that its the first of June, it would appear I have a VERY good reason to visit all my fans in Launceston. Thats right boys and girls, I am HOTTER than Exciter. I beat him by 0.2 and now I get free beer.

Speaking of beer. I have been going to a thingy down here in Hobart called HOPS, or Hobarts Organoleptic PractionerS. The club meets every 2 months or so to partake in various boutique and not so boutique Tasmanian and not so Tasmanian beers. They try to stick to local produce, but there being only around 5 micro breweries in Tasmania, we have to import some stuff.

Anyway, it has opened my eyes up to beers that taste better than Boags or Cascade Draught/Lager!! Never thought it possible, but I now don’t really like our local, established, main stream beers…. gasp. It is now my opinion that they lack taste and I tend to go for a hoppier beer such as Moo Brew Pilsner. In particular, one keg I had which had a handful of raw hops added to it. To all those people who still enjoy a good Boags Draught or, god forbid, that one bloke I know who drinks all the Carlton Draught in Tasmania, get your shit together. Come down to Hobart next time its on and join me for a few great brews. I promise you it will be an experience you wont remember, I never do.

Cheers

Philth

PS Regarding the Hot or Not campaign, get your wallet out! It was always going to be a forgone conclusion!!

Hot or Not?

The internet is a wonderful place. Anything you could want is a simple search away.

A while back a mate found a site called “Hot or Not?” After a few beers it’s fun to sit with a group of mates and a big monitor and argue over the “quality” of the girls posting their pics.

Yesterday I decided it would be fun to dare Philth to put his face on the site because I thought it would be funny to take the piss out of him. He said he would do it if I did… I’d look a tool if I refused, wouldn’t I? So I created a profile and we are going head to head. Somehow I still look a tool…

I had no idea that the site was as featured as it is. There are options to make scoreboards (see ours here) so you can easily compare results. Perfect for what we need. Winner gets a carton of our brew of choice.

It turns out Hot or Not is also a dating site, so I’m not sure that any good can come of that. Especially since Philth is the single one and all the hotties are messaging me for contacts…

I haven’t replied to any of them (3 total as of this writing) and have no intention of getting in any way involved with them or anyone else, as I only have eyes for the Little Red Headed Girl… And Miranda Kerr, but that’s a given…

I told Philth that I’m not going to vote for him or for myself. We haven’t made any rules, but I’d like to see true results, not perverted by underhanded tactics. I would hope anyone else who gets involved plays fair too.

I’m gonna try to get Boss Cosmo and my mate Mac to sign up too. Lets make a competition of this.

By the way, as at this writing Philth is winning by a small margin (0.1). We can’t have that! Get on and rate us!

- Excy-sexy-citer

> This will be fun hehe. I am soooooooooooooooooo much hotter than you man!! Go suck my rocket. – Philth